i've realized that it is much easier for me to deal with anger than sadness. i don't do sadness well. there isn't anything you can do about it except wait it out. with anger you can make changes. you can throw things, break things and yell out loud. in fact, there is plenty to do with anger. with sadness you just... feel sad. and i have tried my best for the last 20 years to stick with doing instead of feeling. healthy? most likely not.
i get how it happens now. the mid-life disconnect. the overwhelmingness that is so consuming it drives you to drink. or take pills. or throw yourself into work. that incredible need for distraction so you don't have to face where you really are in that moment. in every moment. in fact, you'd do anything to get OUT of that moment.
luckily, i have been given the ability to see the end game. the struggle to get every moment back. or not, really. some care, some don't. i'd like to think it's part of what makes us who we are, but i'm not sure it really matters at all.
but here is what i know with absolute certainty. life is hard. it requires hard choices. to attain a satisfying and beautiful life, one MUST make hard choices. if one chooses to be lazy and stick with what is easy, well, we all know what cheap and easy gets ya. there IS an easy way out. but the end result almost always reflects the effort made to get there.