what i know for sure #2

i've realized that it is much easier for me to deal with anger than sadness. i don't do sadness well. there isn't anything you can do about it except wait it out. with anger you can make changes. you can throw things, break things and yell out loud. in fact, there is plenty to do with anger. with sadness you just... feel sad. and i have tried my best for the last 20 years to stick with doing instead of feeling. healthy? most likely not.

what i know for sure #1

i get how it happens now. the mid-life disconnect. the overwhelmingness that is so consuming it drives you to drink. or take pills. or throw yourself into work. that incredible need for distraction so you don't have to face where you really are in that moment. in every moment. in fact, you'd do anything to get OUT of that moment.

luckily, i have been given the ability to see the end game. the struggle to get every moment back. or not, really. some care, some don't. i'd like to think it's part of what makes us who we are, but i'm not sure it really matters at all.

but here is what i know with absolute certainty. life is hard. it requires hard choices. to attain a satisfying and beautiful life, one MUST make hard choices. if one chooses to be lazy and stick with what is easy, well, we all know what cheap and easy gets ya. there IS an easy way out. but the end result almost always reflects the effort made to get there.

block party

chris mentioned tonight that i haven't blogged in a long time. this was during a discussion that simply, (it was actually quite complicated, but in a simple way) was about me having a block. a huge emotional block. i've become quite consumed with the realization lately. I've had daily reminders for at least a week. the rolfing has most likely contributed to my awareness. so has witnessing several peers dive into their passions. either way, i am now fully aware of the block. the deal was sealed tonight when i said to chris, "everything that i do is work. everything."*

i feel the need to insert here that everything being work isn't necessarily a bad thing. the things we want often take work. i have a fantastic family. chris, isabella and i are healthy, happy and incredibly stable (knock on wood). financially and emotionally we are secure and relatively worry-free. that is more than so many other people i see and it's not lost on me. it takes work, however. and i have spent almost every moment of my time working on our family in some way. gladly.

but this work has contributed to my emotional block. i have allowed no time to discover, to feel, to create. to feel passionate about something besides our family. this block was not created or instigated by my family. i've realized it started a very (very) long time ago. a specific upbringing, paired with a significant period of my life served to kick off the block. at one time i broke, and when i put myself back together, i managed to glue the pieces together a little too tight. i allowed very little room to feel, determined instead to think and rationalize my way through the difficult time. once through that moment in time, i never loosened the pieces back up. and that has contributed greatly to the block.

so now the question is: where from here? how do i unblock? how do i feel? to borrow a little from oprah, how do i discover my passion?

i'm certain that part of the answer lies in turning off the t.v. and closing the laptop. the time for distractions is over. i recently listened to a song from 'explosions in the sky' and i thought "if i were only two inches closer - i'd be able to create something beautiful listening to this music". i suppose that is a good beginning. i'm also considering hiking and taking some pictures. that's about all i know how to do. i suppose some time by myself would help me to feel something. pulled or repelled - either would serve as an answer to something. and so it begins.

*The one exception i have found is hanging out with the ladies. lady friends + martinis have equaled the one thing that doesn't feel like work to me in some way.

Scary question of the day...

What if my parachute is translucent?

t*e*c*a*s*t*d*r*e

Cloud following me

Can't seem to shake the feeling

I need some sunshine

because time sneaks up on you.

I'm getting it together starting... now! Well, not now because it's 2:30 in the morning and I'm not in bed and that does not classify as "getting it together". But starting in the morning. The real morning. The morning in which Izzy leans over and whispers "Mom, it's time to wake up..." and kisses me on the forehead.

List of things to do that count as getting it together? Sure!:

1.) Start meditating. I did this wayyy back in the day, right before I lit that damn "Changes" candle and it turned my world upside down. And I remember enjoying it. Right before my world turned upside down, that is.

2.) Stay on the healthy eating train. There's no point in spending all this damn money at Whole Foods and then sneaking in chocolate every night. Seriously, every night. I need to save the chocolate for Sundays.

3.) Exercise. For the love of God I need to start doing something. I had that week of pilates before all hell broke loose. I need to get back on it, at least until it cools off enough to run. And then Krav Maga. And then Yoga. Because I've decided I want to be the kind of woman that "does yoga".

Because I am now 26 days away from my 35th birthday and just typing 35 gives me anxiety. How did that happen? Mid-30's. I don't feel mid-30's. Well actually, I do. Which is why I need to start on this list. My body is no longer in line with my mind and that sucks pretty hardcore. Thirty-five. Nope, the anxiety doesn't go away if I spell out the number. Holy shit, how the hell did 35 sneak up on me. I really want to be the cool chick that's like "Yeah, I'm 35 - so what? Look at me. I'm awesome." But I'm not feeling awesome. In fact, I'm feeling 40.

Ugh. Thirty-fricken-five. I'm going to sleep now.

What its all about.

It's a good thing I did that Reset because the crazy has continued. Although thankfully I have not had to deal with crazy people. Just a terribly sad funeral, a daughter who has suddenly insisted on waking up at 5am, a twin mattress worthy of a prison setting and a mom who has decided to leave again. As well as a number of smaller bumps along the way.

Please believe me when I say I'm not complaining, really I'm not, but I swear something happened in the act of giving birth that made my life suddenly stop being about me. I am beyond blessed to have moments/days/weekends that are about me (whereas many mothers get no such thing) - but for the most part I feel as if I have put my own wants and desires on hold for the good of the many (or few, as I'll later reveal). In fact, as I sit here typing, I'm not even sure what my wants and desires are (besides cookies and LOTS of sleep). Even my personal desires seem to revolve around a greater family plan. That was definitely not the case 5 years ago. My greatest desire for many years (starting in the 8th grade, in fact) was a trip to Europe. And I came so close, right before discovering I was pregnant. But even that dream seems to sit in a clouded haze. So completely unattainable a part of me is just wishing for it in the next life. And on the whole I am completely okay with that. But there are moments, sometimes brief, sometimes lasting days, that I am overwhelmed with the burden of reality. That reality being that my life is no longer about me. And while I do my very best to keep it all in perspective, sometimes my resentment spills over the healthy line.

I had an epiphany a few weeks ago. It was that we are all guided by one major factor. That factor differs for everyone. Some are motivated by money. Others to sever themselves from their past. Still others are motivated by a desire for success, education, love, security or worldly experiences. But behind each and every one of us there is one desire that dictates a large majority of our decisions and actions. My whole life's motivation can be traced back to a moment when I was 4 years old, when my mom informed me that she was leaving my father. The idea resurfaced many, many times until I voiced it distinctly when I was around 12. As my parents yelled, slammed and broke their way through our living room, I became a young Scarlett O'Hara that evening when I swore: "As God is my witness I will one day have a happy home. I will be a strong woman who sticks up for myself, with a husband who doesn't break, slam, yell or resent me. I will raise a child without fear and without guilt. And I will let no person come between that, if it's the last thing I ever do."

And as my resentment sometimes grows, I remind myself of my motivator. Of why I do the things I do and why I expend effort until I am out of energy. Until I am cursed, disliked and disrespected. It is all in protection of my happy home. Happy homes don't come easy - it's why they are so few. It takes energy, communication, sacrifice and countless battles. It may seem contradictory, but you must fight like hell for a happy home. And when all is said and done, I will continue to fight. I will continue to defend and sacrifice. I will continue this life that is not motivated by my own personal desires, but by my idea of a happy home. For myself, for my daughter and husband and for my extended family. Because in my home, the good of the few outweighs the good of the many, as well as the good for myself. And at the end of the day I would have it no other way.