i've realized that it is much easier for me to deal with anger than sadness. i don't do sadness well. there isn't anything you can do about it except wait it out. with anger you can make changes. you can throw things, break things and yell out loud. in fact, there is plenty to do with anger. with sadness you just... feel sad. and i have tried my best for the last 20 years to stick with doing instead of feeling. healthy? most likely not.
i get how it happens now. the mid-life disconnect. the overwhelmingness that is so consuming it drives you to drink. or take pills. or throw yourself into work. that incredible need for distraction so you don't have to face where you really are in that moment. in every moment. in fact, you'd do anything to get OUT of that moment.
luckily, i have been given the ability to see the end game. the struggle to get every moment back. or not, really. some care, some don't. i'd like to think it's part of what makes us who we are, but i'm not sure it really matters at all.
but here is what i know with absolute certainty. life is hard. it requires hard choices. to attain a satisfying and beautiful life, one MUST make hard choices. if one chooses to be lazy and stick with what is easy, well, we all know what cheap and easy gets ya. there IS an easy way out. but the end result almost always reflects the effort made to get there.
chris mentioned tonight that i haven't blogged in a long time. this was during a discussion that simply, (it was actually quite complicated, but in a simple way) was about me having a block. a huge emotional block. i've become quite consumed with the realization lately. I've had daily reminders for at least a week. the rolfing has most likely contributed to my awareness. so has witnessing several peers dive into their passions. either way, i am now fully aware of the block. the deal was sealed tonight when i said to chris, "everything that i do is work. everything."*
i feel the need to insert here that everything being work isn't necessarily a bad thing. the things we want often take work. i have a fantastic family. chris, isabella and i are healthy, happy and incredibly stable (knock on wood). financially and emotionally we are secure and relatively worry-free. that is more than so many other people i see and it's not lost on me. it takes work, however. and i have spent almost every moment of my time working on our family in some way. gladly.
but this work has contributed to my emotional block. i have allowed no time to discover, to feel, to create. to feel passionate about something besides our family. this block was not created or instigated by my family. i've realized it started a very (very) long time ago. a specific upbringing, paired with a significant period of my life served to kick off the block. at one time i broke, and when i put myself back together, i managed to glue the pieces together a little too tight. i allowed very little room to feel, determined instead to think and rationalize my way through the difficult time. once through that moment in time, i never loosened the pieces back up. and that has contributed greatly to the block.
so now the question is: where from here? how do i unblock? how do i feel? to borrow a little from oprah, how do i discover my passion?
i'm certain that part of the answer lies in turning off the t.v. and closing the laptop. the time for distractions is over. i recently listened to a song from 'explosions in the sky' and i thought "if i were only two inches closer - i'd be able to create something beautiful listening to this music". i suppose that is a good beginning. i'm also considering hiking and taking some pictures. that's about all i know how to do. i suppose some time by myself would help me to feel something. pulled or repelled - either would serve as an answer to something. and so it begins.
*The one exception i have found is hanging out with the ladies. lady friends + martinis have equaled the one thing that doesn't feel like work to me in some way.