2010: Choose for Me, Phase 2

Okay, I'm finally going to try to write something. I have no idea what this block has been about, but as life has been good I've decided to take it as a good thing.

I am going into Phase 2 of Choose for Me this year and I wanted to spend a little time focussing on those goals. This year has, thus far, been a great time to finally make things happen and clean things up. Phase 1 was awesome and included camping trips, river trips, wedding receptions, birthday parties, a weekend of SXSW and a long weekend spent in San Francisco. A BIG shout-out to my Mom who helped make those things happen. Without her we wouldn't have had the freedom to do most of it. But as Izzy said the other day, our "vacation is over". And really, what better timing as we are broke, Izzy is at a fantastically fun stage and quite honestly, I'm worn out from the fun and ready to re-establish some kind of routine (I use the term "re-establish" loosely, as I can't remember the last time we actually had a routine).

All that said, today is the day I deemed the beginning of 2010: Choose for Me, Phase 2 (the get shit done and save money version). Here are just a few things I hope to accomplish by the end of this year:

* Get a job. I've been saying this for 2 years now, but the time has finally come. I need to get out of the house, Izzy needs more structure, education and friends and we need more money!

* Go back to healthy eating. When we lack routine, we lack discipline. It's time to go back to planning meals and cooking every night. This has always been a challenge for us, but it's super important to both of us that Izzy grow up healthy and unfortunately it's our job to make it happen.

* Start some sort of exercise routine. I've considered yoga, pilates and and kickboxing. Hopefully in the next several years I'll have done all 3 - but realistically I need to pick something and go with it. Every picture of myself I see lately just makes me want to crawl into a hole. My extra weight is actually becoming physically uncomfortable and quite simply, I'm tired of it.

* Create! I'm broke, I want new fancy stuff and the only way I see to make that happen is to learn to start making it myself. I'd like to get back into making jewelry, as well as some yard art and some original stuff to decorate our house.

* SAVE! Above all else we need to start saving again. If Suze Orman says one needs to have 3-6 months salary in savings, we are 7 months behind. The credit cards also got used in our last couple of trips, so we need to work at having those paid off by this time next year. Luckily we never stopped contributing to Izzy's CSA, and I just checked it the other day and almost fell out at how much we had saved (not a drop in the college bucket - but not bad considering how terrible we are at saving.)

There are a TON of small details involved in Phase 2, but I think this is a pretty accurate summary. I'm feeling more confidence than usual that it can all be accomplished, only because this year has already been so different from other years in the past. I'm feeling hopeful and optimistic. Capable and oh-so-ready.

dry spell

I've got absolutely nothing. Again.

Too many X’s

Time stopped. The sound of the dryer stopped. The tv goes off. There was only the sound of the music. I stepped into the imaginary jail cell, closed the imaginary door, locked the imaginary lock and threw the imaginary key. Me now was on the outside, me then on the inside. The nostalgia was almost too much to handle. Painful even. And yet I wrapped the feeling around me like a heavy, soft fleece blanket. Unable to give it up. Drum beats could be heard in the distance. I let my mind go – not bothering to fight. More came flooding in. Me on the inside could vaguely hear me on the outside yelling to make it stop. But I opened to it, relishing it, not bothering to feel the guilt of it. More pain. More bliss. I wrapped the blanket around me tighter. I swallowed the lump in my throat – even the me on the inside had no tears about it anymore. I let the last of it come over me in a wash of ecstatic pain. And then it all rolled away as the music faded. Softly, slowly. I dropped the blanket to the floor and slowly opened the door to the cell. Reluctantly, the me on the inside walked out, joining the me on the outside. Looks were exchanged. The clock on the wall started to tick again. The sound of the dryer faded back in. I turned the tv back on. Back to now, and we've both come to terms with it.

silence on the blogging front

I've hit a writing dry spell. It's not like there isn't anything going on (although that is somewhat true). It's more like there's a lot of planning for things that will be going on in the near future. "Choose for Me" has cut a lot of drama out of my life, and when there is no drama there is no commentary. I swear I used to write before there was drama - but then now that I think about it, there has been drama of some kind for a very, very long time. Perhaps that is why I am really loving 2010. I obviously should have Chosen for Me long ago.

In addition, I'm personally in a really good place. I'm content, bills are paid, cars are working (knock on wood) and family is well. Izzy is feisty, yet lovable; mine and Chris' relationship is solid and I haven't been struggling with the inner imbalance that I seemed to suffer from for so long. The stars seem to be aligned very well in my favor these days.

And when that's the case, what does one write about? Life is pretty boring to be honest (though I'm absolutely reveling in "boring"). I've never been one to wax on about the good things. It's the disputes I'm fond of exploring. The dissection of dysfunction. Yet I couldn't let a cereal suggestion sit as my last blog entry for long - that's just boring. But I'm obviously in need of a 30 Days of Write month, because otherwise I'm just drawing blanks...

My favorite thing

Anyone who knows me knows that I love H.E.B. The meal deals, the fact that I don't need a stupid little card to get the meal deals, as well as being a half mile from a really cheap H.E.B. and just a few miles from a really fancy one. Seriously, I love them.

But my love has been brought to an all new level with their new H.E.B. Active Cereals. Because as much as I love H.E.B. is as much as I don't love eating healthy. But this healthy cereal makes my heart sing. Because it's delicious AND healthy (and has chocolate - what?!?!) It's so fabulous that it is actually worth paying $4 a box. And that is saying a lot.

when the facade comes tumbling down

I'm helping my best friend work through an addiction. The hard part is that he is partly addicted to his persona. The facade that he's spent so long working on to avoid the inner truth of who he is. The sad thing is that the man he is surpasses his persona by leaps and bounds. He is truly a beautiful person hiding behind a confident sack of crap. And if anyone can understand that, it's me.

I mean really, who among us that endured any kind of heartbreak in our "youth" and rose up for a big "fuck you" didn't create a facade in the process? And in doing so, our emotional selves took a hit for it. Our desire for intimacy, love and acceptance fell to the wayside in our determination to need nobody and never feel that pain again. Often times that facade is necessary to rise above. As my best friend reminded me, "we fake it 'til we make it."

But there comes a time when you "make it" and realize you are sorely lacking in what you so badly desired in the first place. When what once was so natural for you to offer and feel becomes hard work. When you realize you are a shallow shell of your former self. Some people push forward anyway, never taking the time to rectify the problem or merge the two selves. We all know those people. They make terrible relationship partners, shitty parents, selfish friends and pissy co-workers.

Others of us snap to it, realize what has happened and peddle furiously to find our emotional selves again before losing it forever. We open our hearts - just a little at a time of course, swearing never to fully open it for fear of feeling that pounding pain again. And as time moves forward, hopefully we open it a little more, letting a little more light and love enter. And after even more time we find a place in which we are comfortable - hopefully creating an equal balance of emotional strength and love. And in doing so are rewarded by deep connections with others who are working at the same thing.

As I've been writing this I've realized how many of "my people" are going through this right now. My friend who was emotionally closed off for the last 10+ years and seeing her face the first time she came over with the announcement that she had opened her heart to love again. She's more beautiful than I've ever seen her. My other friend who has NOT made that declaration, in fact she's avoided it despite all efforts, and we get to watch her spiral wildly in the process. My mother, who in her 50's is having to learn that some require more than she can easily give and her trepidation at fulfilling that requirement. And my husband of 7+ years that I'm patiently waiting to love me as much as he did before I broke him so badly.

I guess we are all there in varying degrees. Battling who we are versus what we want people to see. Working on giving ourselves permission to want what we've always desired. Testing the waters to make sure it's okay to feel again. Trying to forget the pain of when we felt so deeply. It's important to remember that this is exactly what makes us human. We are neither predators or machines. We are souls looking for a connection. And without it we will die inside. We may keep standing, eating and breathing - but we will most definitely die on the inside. To quote my friend Jess, who has made a remarkable turnaround, "Choose Love and Trust". And when you get it (and you will) "Receive and Be Thankful". Because that's what living is all about.

2010 - Make it happen

I've started this year a little differently than years past. In the past I've just had general ideas of what I wanted to accomplish, ie: lose weight, get more done, be a better mom, yada yada. But this year I'm borrowing from two friends, Em & Jess. Excruciating detail and be specific. Yes, they are the same idea - but hearing it repeatedly from 2 different sources really drove it home. So here's an excruciatingly specific list of what I want to get done this year:

* Be drama free. Personally, I can't stand drama. I like routine and predictable and drama offers none of that. But lately I've been adopting other people's drama and I am d.o.n.e. 2010 - Choose For Me!

* Get a life for Izzy. She's already signed up for gymnastics but it's time for her to finally go to "school".

* Travel for ME. Not family obligations, but places I'd like to go. Portland is already on the calendar (May!), and I'm hoping to add Scotland as well (tentatively scheduled for August). There WILL be a tubing trip down the Guadalupe, come hell or high water (high water would be GREAT!)

* Complete a 3 day fast. I've accomplished 1 and 1/2 days, but I need to do 3. If I have to knock myself out, I will.

* Get in better shape. I will get back on the elliptical starting Monday (at LEAST 3 days a week). I'm signing up for Sunday yoga in February. I will look good by May to float down the Guadalupe and I will have the energy to walk the last mile (as I've done many times in the past when the river was low).

* Develop a healthier lifestyle. I'd really like to be alive and in great shape when Iz starts college. In order to do so I have to kick smoking and pay better attention to our diet. I vow to eat fast food no more than twice a month.

* Reuse/Recycle - Twice a month I'd like to thrift shop. No more buying new if I can buy used. Once a quarter I will go through Izzy's toys and clothes and donate things. I already have a box for this purpose alone.

* Get crafty - I have fabulous ideas of things I'd like to make. Quilts, hats, yard art, faux stained glass - this is the year I get started.

As I come across more ideas, I'll add them to the list. In addition, I will update and cross things off the list as they are accomplished. Because this is the year I'm going to make it happen for ME.