Reset # 284

After a week that was comparable to the entire year of 2009, I think things have finally managed to settle down once again. Of course, not before we Dawson's had to clean house again, both literally and figuratively. And not before I had to go through some more self-examination after a series of wild accusations. Again.

There is something about me that attracts crazy. Of that much I have become certain. I am a firm believer that if you continue to experience the same type of drama it must be you who is creating that drama in some way. I'm willing to accept my role in these things, if only I could completely discern what it is I'm doing. Others have thrown out suggestions: "Perhaps it is your bluntness." Or, "Perhaps your need to communicate and clarify make others uncomfortable." Either way, the message is the same - I need to shut up. And truly people, I'm working on it. In fact, I've accomplished a lot of shutting up this year (seriously, you have no idea). But if you want me to continue shutting up, you need to do two simple things: Don't bring your shit to me AND don't ask. Plain and simple.

Whew, okay... that said... I have had to do another 2010 'Reset' this year. It took a little longer to accomplish than expected. For a week the house was trashed and I wanted nothing more than sleep. It all climaxed with an anxiety attack that was, quite simply, beyond insane (note to self: stay away from Excedrine Migraine at 3am - it contains CAFFEINE!) But thankfully that attack served to push me into the much needed 'Reset'. Now, three days later, the house is clean (or getting that way, at least), the crazy is gone (for now, at least) and my spirits are high. I'm back to "okay" - and these days that's all a stay-at-home-mom-dealing-with-the-outside-crazies can ask for.

when the facade comes tumbling down

I'm helping my best friend work through an addiction. The hard part is that he is partly addicted to his persona. The facade that he's spent so long working on to avoid the inner truth of who he is. The sad thing is that the man he is surpasses his persona by leaps and bounds. He is truly a beautiful person hiding behind a confident sack of crap. And if anyone can understand that, it's me.

I mean really, who among us that endured any kind of heartbreak in our "youth" and rose up for a big "fuck you" didn't create a facade in the process? And in doing so, our emotional selves took a hit for it. Our desire for intimacy, love and acceptance fell to the wayside in our determination to need nobody and never feel that pain again. Often times that facade is necessary to rise above. As my best friend reminded me, "we fake it 'til we make it."

But there comes a time when you "make it" and realize you are sorely lacking in what you so badly desired in the first place. When what once was so natural for you to offer and feel becomes hard work. When you realize you are a shallow shell of your former self. Some people push forward anyway, never taking the time to rectify the problem or merge the two selves. We all know those people. They make terrible relationship partners, shitty parents, selfish friends and pissy co-workers.

Others of us snap to it, realize what has happened and peddle furiously to find our emotional selves again before losing it forever. We open our hearts - just a little at a time of course, swearing never to fully open it for fear of feeling that pounding pain again. And as time moves forward, hopefully we open it a little more, letting a little more light and love enter. And after even more time we find a place in which we are comfortable - hopefully creating an equal balance of emotional strength and love. And in doing so are rewarded by deep connections with others who are working at the same thing.

As I've been writing this I've realized how many of "my people" are going through this right now. My friend who was emotionally closed off for the last 10+ years and seeing her face the first time she came over with the announcement that she had opened her heart to love again. She's more beautiful than I've ever seen her. My other friend who has NOT made that declaration, in fact she's avoided it despite all efforts, and we get to watch her spiral wildly in the process. My mother, who in her 50's is having to learn that some require more than she can easily give and her trepidation at fulfilling that requirement. And my husband of 7+ years that I'm patiently waiting to love me as much as he did before I broke him so badly.

I guess we are all there in varying degrees. Battling who we are versus what we want people to see. Working on giving ourselves permission to want what we've always desired. Testing the waters to make sure it's okay to feel again. Trying to forget the pain of when we felt so deeply. It's important to remember that this is exactly what makes us human. We are neither predators or machines. We are souls looking for a connection. And without it we will die inside. We may keep standing, eating and breathing - but we will most definitely die on the inside. To quote my friend Jess, who has made a remarkable turnaround, "Choose Love and Trust". And when you get it (and you will) "Receive and Be Thankful". Because that's what living is all about.