My favorite thing

Anyone who knows me knows that I love H.E.B. The meal deals, the fact that I don't need a stupid little card to get the meal deals, as well as being a half mile from a really cheap H.E.B. and just a few miles from a really fancy one. Seriously, I love them.

But my love has been brought to an all new level with their new H.E.B. Active Cereals. Because as much as I love H.E.B. is as much as I don't love eating healthy. But this healthy cereal makes my heart sing. Because it's delicious AND healthy (and has chocolate - what?!?!) It's so fabulous that it is actually worth paying $4 a box. And that is saying a lot.

when the facade comes tumbling down

I'm helping my best friend work through an addiction. The hard part is that he is partly addicted to his persona. The facade that he's spent so long working on to avoid the inner truth of who he is. The sad thing is that the man he is surpasses his persona by leaps and bounds. He is truly a beautiful person hiding behind a confident sack of crap. And if anyone can understand that, it's me.

I mean really, who among us that endured any kind of heartbreak in our "youth" and rose up for a big "fuck you" didn't create a facade in the process? And in doing so, our emotional selves took a hit for it. Our desire for intimacy, love and acceptance fell to the wayside in our determination to need nobody and never feel that pain again. Often times that facade is necessary to rise above. As my best friend reminded me, "we fake it 'til we make it."

But there comes a time when you "make it" and realize you are sorely lacking in what you so badly desired in the first place. When what once was so natural for you to offer and feel becomes hard work. When you realize you are a shallow shell of your former self. Some people push forward anyway, never taking the time to rectify the problem or merge the two selves. We all know those people. They make terrible relationship partners, shitty parents, selfish friends and pissy co-workers.

Others of us snap to it, realize what has happened and peddle furiously to find our emotional selves again before losing it forever. We open our hearts - just a little at a time of course, swearing never to fully open it for fear of feeling that pounding pain again. And as time moves forward, hopefully we open it a little more, letting a little more light and love enter. And after even more time we find a place in which we are comfortable - hopefully creating an equal balance of emotional strength and love. And in doing so are rewarded by deep connections with others who are working at the same thing.

As I've been writing this I've realized how many of "my people" are going through this right now. My friend who was emotionally closed off for the last 10+ years and seeing her face the first time she came over with the announcement that she had opened her heart to love again. She's more beautiful than I've ever seen her. My other friend who has NOT made that declaration, in fact she's avoided it despite all efforts, and we get to watch her spiral wildly in the process. My mother, who in her 50's is having to learn that some require more than she can easily give and her trepidation at fulfilling that requirement. And my husband of 7+ years that I'm patiently waiting to love me as much as he did before I broke him so badly.

I guess we are all there in varying degrees. Battling who we are versus what we want people to see. Working on giving ourselves permission to want what we've always desired. Testing the waters to make sure it's okay to feel again. Trying to forget the pain of when we felt so deeply. It's important to remember that this is exactly what makes us human. We are neither predators or machines. We are souls looking for a connection. And without it we will die inside. We may keep standing, eating and breathing - but we will most definitely die on the inside. To quote my friend Jess, who has made a remarkable turnaround, "Choose Love and Trust". And when you get it (and you will) "Receive and Be Thankful". Because that's what living is all about.

2010 - Make it happen

I've started this year a little differently than years past. In the past I've just had general ideas of what I wanted to accomplish, ie: lose weight, get more done, be a better mom, yada yada. But this year I'm borrowing from two friends, Em & Jess. Excruciating detail and be specific. Yes, they are the same idea - but hearing it repeatedly from 2 different sources really drove it home. So here's an excruciatingly specific list of what I want to get done this year:

* Be drama free. Personally, I can't stand drama. I like routine and predictable and drama offers none of that. But lately I've been adopting other people's drama and I am d.o.n.e. 2010 - Choose For Me!

* Get a life for Izzy. She's already signed up for gymnastics but it's time for her to finally go to "school".

* Travel for ME. Not family obligations, but places I'd like to go. Portland is already on the calendar (May!), and I'm hoping to add Scotland as well (tentatively scheduled for August). There WILL be a tubing trip down the Guadalupe, come hell or high water (high water would be GREAT!)

* Complete a 3 day fast. I've accomplished 1 and 1/2 days, but I need to do 3. If I have to knock myself out, I will.

* Get in better shape. I will get back on the elliptical starting Monday (at LEAST 3 days a week). I'm signing up for Sunday yoga in February. I will look good by May to float down the Guadalupe and I will have the energy to walk the last mile (as I've done many times in the past when the river was low).

* Develop a healthier lifestyle. I'd really like to be alive and in great shape when Iz starts college. In order to do so I have to kick smoking and pay better attention to our diet. I vow to eat fast food no more than twice a month.

* Reuse/Recycle - Twice a month I'd like to thrift shop. No more buying new if I can buy used. Once a quarter I will go through Izzy's toys and clothes and donate things. I already have a box for this purpose alone.

* Get crafty - I have fabulous ideas of things I'd like to make. Quilts, hats, yard art, faux stained glass - this is the year I get started.

As I come across more ideas, I'll add them to the list. In addition, I will update and cross things off the list as they are accomplished. Because this is the year I'm going to make it happen for ME.

A perfect summary of 2010 so far:

Kolby

we should of got a pic of your kid running through the house with a flaming marshmellow

Taunya

if only but we don't need physical evidence of that sort of thing.

Kolby

ritghhhht

nancy grace

Taunya

yep